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The Diary of a Munky
Random pages from Unkle Munky’s private diary… Sun April 1st 2007 I have spent most of today in a prison cell. I really should have suspected the legitimacy of an ‘all nude’ fun run. My Legal advisor/General assistant, Ms. Bumton, can be very persuasive. I will investigate this April fools phenomenon at my earliest possible convenience. Thurs April 5th 2007 '''Ms. Bumton bollocked me today for drinking out of her cup. She said that she didn’t want it stinking of my stale Munky breath. Later, when she went outside for a fag, I got my own back by peeing in her foot-spa. Mon April 9th 2007 With reference to my diary entry of Sun April 1st - The Police will not be making any charges with regards to my public nudity, favouring instead to simply give me a written warning. I am very grateful to them but also a little pissed off about the literature that accompanied the aforementioned warning. I am only too aware of the various dick enhancing methods that are available on the open market! Thurs April 12th 2007 '''The toilet at Munky HQ became blocked again today. Ms. Bumton made some offhand remark about it being like me, full of shit. Sometimes that woman can be quite hurtful. A local plumber eventually fixed it and has recommended that I see a doctor with regards to my monstrous stools. Mon April 16th 2007 My Austin Allegro is having an MOT today. I am worried that it might fail on the grounds of bad taste. I took the liberty of leaving my ‘Bucks Fizz’ greatest hits CD on the passenger seat, I have also sprayed the interior with Old Spice body mist. Hopefully these small hints of my burgeoning sophistication will help alleviate any misgivings that the examiner may have previously held with regards to Austin Allegro owners. It saddens me to think that this kind of racist attitude can still exists in modern Britain. Wed April 18th 2007 '''Ms. Bumton’s impending pregnancy is causing her tits to swell. I have been trying hard not to stare. I was forced to work late tonight after inadvertently becoming wedged between my chair and desk. Women have no idea of the problems that their pregnancies can cause. Sat April 21st 2007 I have taken the plumber’s advice and been to see a doctor. Apparently they need a sample of my poo for analysis. Had I known that Ms. Bumton still used her Spice Girls sandwich container I would not have used it to crap in. She left early after complaining of nausea. Perhaps it’s the pregnancy? Mon April 23rd 2007 '''I had to bollock that Ms. Bumton again today for making me look like a pratt on my own agony column. She said that I was more than capable of making myself look like a pratt without her help. If it wasn’t for her tits I would have sacked her ages ago. My dreams are becoming increasingly bizarre. Last night I dreamt that I was sitting on her lap in a nappy. She says I do stare at her a lot and that I have a tendency to dribble. Fri April 27th 2007 Ms. Bumton caught me drawing her tits today. I told her that it was a graph and that the fluctuating nature of the polar icecap was beginning to alarm me, especially as I really like ice cubes in my coco cola. She called me a knob and took an early lunch break. I can only assume that she believed my story. Whilst she was out I coloured in the tits with her Rimmel London lipstick. Sat April 28th 2007 '''It would appear that Ms. Bumton has been fighting again. She was late this morning and her hair was a proper mess. I deduced from her smeared lipstick and torn blouse that she had given as good as she got. She later phoned her assailant and made arrangements to meet him for drinks at a local nightclub. I can only assume that they are going to try and settle their differences with some kind of dance-off. He won’t stand a chance! She was in the Spice Girls after all? Sun April 29th 2007 I appear to be using the word ‘assume’ with a frequency that is on a par with that of my soaring wank count. I can only assume that this is normal behaviour for an agony primate. Mon April 30th 2007 '''I swear Ms. Bumton wasn’t wearing a bra today. I may have inadvertently bestowed flawed advice as a result. I just hope that Diane from Cheshire doesn’t get pregnant. I wouldn’t mind, but I can’t even use the same lame excuse that I hear emanating from Emma’s gob every five minutes. After all, I’m not ‘only human’ am I? Return to Munky Menu...